Since you were supportive, I figured I'd share an update.
I joined a cheapy gym and set up a personal training routine with one of their trainers. We're doing a "consultation" plan, which means we meet once a month, then he writes out what I'm supposed to do the rest of the month, and he'll change it up as we go. Our first session was basically Crossfit and I lasted all of 7 minutes before I nearly revisited lunch.
He's convinced he'll carve 60 lbs of fat off me in a year, and he intends to put 10 lbs of muscle on me in that time. We'll see if that happens.